Welcome To The Bachelor Jungle

The Bachelor Season 24 Episode 5 Recap.

Cave Hot Tub Makeouts, Modeling for Cosmo in the Jungle, and the Story Behind Peter’s Infamous Face Injury

***I do not own the rights to these videos***

Just when I believe there’s zero possible way for this season of The Bachelor to get more dramatic, IT DOES (not in a good way). It has become a mess of girls all yelling at each other, accusing each other of being “crazy”. Like, they are being LEGIT mean to each other. This episode was a really bad look for quite a few of these girls.

We’re getting to the part of the show where it becomes frivolously dramatic because there are too many girls left for it to get too serious, but everyone THINKS it’s serious. The contestants are getting stir crazy living together (phone-less, internet-less, music-less, all they can do is talk).

There’s a bonus episode this week on Wednesday, but I am having a hard time believing we are getting this extra episode ON TOP of Monday’s THREE HOUR episode, with not one, but TWO ROSE CEREMONIES. This season is truly unprecedented, breaking form almost every episode, and breaking the fourth wall, frequently showing the producers (in the best way). The creators, producers, everyone involved in making this show is a creative genius, I’m 100% convinced. Let’s do a quick dive in, and I’ll be back to talk about Wednesday’s episode.

The episode starts where we left off in Cleveland, Ohio at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. The girls are absolutely tearing Alayah apart after her return last night at the group date cocktail party. I find this part hard to watch because they are being legitimately mean. I’m sure Alayah is not without fault, but it’s really sad to watch all the women tear her down.

Lexi and Sydney are yelling at her that she only came back to be on TV??? I’m like…. Duh??? That’s exactly what you are doing, why are you yelling???

Peter pulls Alayah aside and as they’re walking, Sydney’s in an ITM saying, “I don’t know if Peter is ready for a Sydney, maybe he needs an Alayah.” SYDNEY. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? You are not god, you’re not a mf prophet, like I’m sure you are an accomplished woman, but can you stop acting like you’re soooo different from all the girls here, like you’re so superior to them??? You’re trying to get famous off this show just like everyone else, sit the fuck DOWN.

Peter starts talking to Alayah so softly and gently, telling her no matter what anyone says, he knows she has a good heart. At first, I think he’s doubling down on his decision to bring her back, but he goes on to say it’s just “too much” and asks if he can walk her out. I feel so genuinely bad for Alayah at this point. She looks like the saddest most wounded puppy. Alayah, wherever you are, I hope you’re okay, girl!!! You got a shit ton of followers on Instagram, so I’m sure you are doing just fine.

After last week’s episode, I strongly considered if she left at that rose ceremony because there was no more trailer footage with her in it… but then I was like, no way she comes and goes within one week… but alas! She does! I was SHOOK.

When Peter comes back after sending Alayah home, he is like legitimately so sad! He talks with Natasha first and makes a joke about how he’s surprised they didn’t all leave him. I’m like OMG, he is like, really, really sad. I almost feel like… Peter is insecure as the Bachelor? It’s weird because he’s confident with each of the girls individually, but he’s struggling to maintain control of the collective group, and he’s struggling with having confidence in his decisions.

Also… Natasha tells Peter she “doesn’t have a problem with Alayah” Bish, I HAVE RECEIPTS PROVING OTHERWISE.

Then we see him talking to Victoria P. and he’s like, I didn’t want you to think I didn’t believe you, I’m like whaaaaaaaaaaat? She so CLEARLY lied about the whole Alayah situation. They’re just like… fine now??? No actual resolution???? Wackkkkkkk.

He talks to Kelsey during the cocktail party saying their date was “the start of something awesome”. Again, with the hyperbolic statements, Peter!!

I can’t believe I’m saying this but… I do not… really dislike Hannah Ann anymore… I hate to admit she’s growing on me. I appreciate that’s she’s been playing it low key with the drama… I’m giving her a second chance.

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony. He calls each girl’s name, one by one, to give them a rose until Tammy gets the very last one. This means Savannah (funny AF), Deandra (Deandra who?), and Kiara (KIARA WHO?) go home. JK, of COURSE, I know they’re names. Deandra was a beast in the football game and Kiara said “ling-er-y” in the pillow fight group date. But the point is they got 0.0 screen time.

Once again I am in love with all the girls being so cute saying goodbye to each other. Girl friendship powerrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

After the rose ceremony, Peter tells the girls it’s time to “take this international”. They’re going to Costa Rica. I can not believe they went to fucking Cleveland, Ohio and then COSTA RICA. I love this wack-ass show so MUCH.

The next day when everyone arrives in Costa Rica, we learn THIS is where Peter’s infamous face injury happened!!! I gotta say I did not think we would get it this early in the season, wow!

Apparently, they had just checked in and settled at the hotel in Costa Rica, when Peter was walking to a golf cart and literally just ran FACE FIRST into it and BROKE A GLASS ON HIS HEAD??? LMFAOOOOOOO.

My bf told me Peter got into an accident and injured his face right as I was falling asleep the night it actually happened, and I was drowsy and DEVASTATED. I was like holy shit, Peter’s entire face is gonna be fucked up, he won’t even be able to be famous because he’ll be too HIDEOUS. Now to learn it’s a TINY little bandage from walking face-first into a golf cart. LMAO. WOW. 

Meanwhile, they are setting us up for Kelley to become relevant again in this episode. She’s in an ITM saying how she loves to travel, ie. a perfect match for Peter. But THEN, she’s like, yeah I like Peter, but I mean… so do 11 other girls here. I’m just trying to have some fun and travel for free, and I’m like omgggggg. Has there ever been a contestant so blatantly honest about just being there for a good time, not a long time? Lmaoooo. I love Kelley, she’s the sanest and most realistic.

When Peter tells the girls about how he got his head injury, he gives them this grandiose tale of how he had to fight off a puma, and that’s how he got that scar (????), and everyone is believing him (???????????????????) Please do not tell me you guys truly believe Peter could fight a PUMA. Wtf lol.

THERE IS HOTEL SECURITY FOOTAGE OF PETER HITTING HIS HEAD. I FKN LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCHHHHHHH.

After he reveals the truth, he asks Sydney on a date. FINALLY, Sydney you get you’re one-on-one, and now I hope you RELAX.

Peter and Sydney leave to go on their date via helicopter, and immediately Kelsey (Champagne Gate turned decent one-on-one date in Cleveland) starts crying about someone else getting a date with Peter, and how it’s hard to watch other girls go on dates with him… I did not realize she liked him this much? Or… jet lag?

In the helicopter, Peter tells literally the most TERRIBLE atrocious dad joke, and Sydney laughs SO HARD. SYDNEY, you are NOT DOING US ANY FAVORS. PLEASE stop laughing at mediocre mens’ insufferable jokes, UGHHHHHHHH. 

Cut back to the house, and Hannah Ann and Kelsey are j chillin’ having a FRIENDLY CONVERSATION? Last time we saw them, they were crying and arguing, lmfao. THIS SHOW. We do love growth, though.

Sydney and Peter arrive at their picnic on a hill in a large grassy field. Sydney says (and I quote) “Look at us, look at us!” Same exact shit as the PAUL RUDD HOT ONE’S MEME. The Paul Rudd Hot Ones came out in mid-October, and this date was probably… in October? Are these parallel universes??? I think I just found a time warp/black hole.

Sydney has to REPEAT HER BACKSTORY (she already told him this in episode 2!!!) to Peter about having a white mom & Dominican dad, and I’m like PETERRRRR you’re making me cringe so hard. FUCKING LISTEN.

They share an actually cool conversation about their parent’s ethnicities, Peter shares how he’s Cuban and German, and she asks him if he speaks Spanish because she can speak a little. He replies in Spanish and she’s like… IDK wtf you just said so I’ll say “MMM”. LMAO BISH, you just got CAUGHT. She covers with making out, but THEN!!!!!

HE SAYS YOU KNOW YOU’RE THE BEST KISSER SHES LIKE… RUFKM SAY THAT AGAIN. And in that fuckin moment, she knew she was going top four, baby.

These two have some severely chaotic energy together. She’s talking a mile a minute, she bumps his head, they’re like rolling, laughing, moving so quickly in conversation, I’m just like this is really a lot. They seem really into each other, though, because they probably wanna fuk rly, rly bad.

Back in the house, the girls receive a date card that tells them who is going on the group date this week. By the process of elimination, we also learn that Kelley has the second one-on-one date.

MYKENNA IS TWEAKING. No offense, MyKenna but ALLL of this drama is one-sided, i.e. you in your own head. You need to go for a run, girl!

DAMN KELLEY. In her ITM’s she says, “I don’t have a weird sob story I have to tell him for him get to know me more” like, I’m just trying chill. I love this chick, SO FKN MUCH.

In the evening portion of Sydney & Peter’s date, she talks through more of her backstory growing up biracial, without her dad in the picture, and her mom struggling financially as a single parent. She said people would make fun of her so badly in high school she would eat lunch every day in the bathroom. It’s pretty clear I think Sydney is kind of a mean-girl (this gets proven even more in this episode despite Alayah being gone), but I respect her backstory and the struggles she has gone through. HOWEVER, these pictures from her high school (same high school as Hannah Brown!) yearbook from Twitter would suggest a different story. Maybe she had high-functioning depression, it’s possible!!! It’s just also SUS.

Peter tells Sydney he’s “so amazed by your strength,” she says “Thank you,” he says, “Amazing” then he reaches really far to kiss her, and I’m like this is awkward as helllllll, lmaoooo.

But for real, I do love how Peter says he wants a bold, strong woman, and then puts his money where his mouth is, unlike all these other fake hoes who say they want a strong woman but actually want a woman who is controllable and will not speak her mind!!! He may be a lil’ dumb, nevertheless, PETER IS A KING.

Oh shiiiiiiit, WE GOT A HOT TUB DATEEEE. First one of the season! Well kinda… it’s like… a cave hot tub? They HELP UNDRESS EACH OTHER. I won’t lie, regardless of who Peter ends up with at the end, these two people were born to get it on.

THEY are MAKING OUT SO HARD, WTF. The producers were just like, KEEP GOING.

Reminiscent of scenes with Hannah Brown in the sauna on her season…

Back at the house, Kelsey is upset about Sydney going on a date with Peter and Tammy is trying to talk with her. She’s like I don’t want to share him and Tammy’s like… that is …. Literally the whole point of this show, girl.

In the trailers from last week, they teased a clip of Kelsey’s saying so-and-so “is a dramatic bitch, like ‘Oh blah, blah, blah’” – that’s about SYDNEY because Kelsey’s… jealous she got to go on a date? Kelsey, it seems like you have your struggles, but like also, I agree with your sentiment lol.

TAMMY IS LIKE IM LOSING MY MIND, “I’m a tough bitch. I’m not gonna sit around and cry about imaginary problems.” I’m with you, Tammy!

The next day, the girls all show up for the group date in the middle of the jungle and all I’m thinking is, they better not have a weird-ass fake scavenger hunt like on Colton’s season. Peter’s like, don’t worry it’s not physical, and all the girls are like THANK YA JESUS. Instead, it’s a COSMO PHOTOSHOOT, WTF. THE WINNER GETS THE COVER OF COSMO WITH PETER LIKE WTF. The winner (Hannah Ann) of the Revolve date got the ENTIRE REVOLVE CLOSET, now THIS? LMAO, they’ve never had prizes before except “winning someone’s heart.”

FORGET PETER, THIS IS THE HOTTEST THING IVE EVER SEEN.

This season is also reaaaaally leaning into the sexy thing. From listening around in the world of Bachelor recaps., I think you either think Peter is the sexiest person alive, or you have zeroooo interest. I am in the camp of sexiest person alive, but I RECOGNIZE, he is dweeby.

IS THIS AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL??? OMFGGGGG. The photographer’s like, I know this wasn’t easy today girls, but I can tell you really gave it your all.

VICTORIA F. FINALLY WINS THE MODELING DATE. I am happy for her redemption from the Revolve date; I am sad she is fundamentally problematic!

Peter and Victoria F. are so fucking HOT. They’re standing like straight up peen to vageen.

Since this episode has aired, Cosmo came out with a statement saying how they are PULLING THE COVER because of Victoria’s affiliation with the White Lives Matter clothing company she modeled for. YES, Cosmo!

During the evening portion of the date, we get a snippet of Hannah Ann & Peter’s conversation. Hannah Ann has been pretty low on the radar for the past two weeks now, which means she’s stayed out of the drama. Good for you, Hannah Ann. Well played.

Peter tells Hannah Ann, “You’re like the cutest thing ever.” Everyone gets an absolute, like they are the best or the most of something specific. Everyone has a unique descriptor!!!

Victoria F. and Peter share a sweet moment where he tells her happy birthday, and she grunts after he tells her he likes her… ? Victoria… are you a literal baby born yesterday to this world?

We get our weekly dramatic dose of Madison and Peter where he tells her, “I love the way you make me feel.” DAMN, SON. I honestly stand corrected… this chick could win.

Kelsey is wearing the same dress as MyKenna was when she got her notorious hoist ???

Sisterhood of the traveling neon pink dress??? Similar to brotherhood of the traveling salmon jacket on Hannah’s season?

Kelsey goes 0 to 100, from FREAKING TF OUT to telling Peter she’s falling in love with him??? On god herself, you did NOT go from champagne to the face to LOVE in THREE DAYS. I ain’t buying it. She’s also the first one to tell Peter she’s “falling in love with him”.

Everyone always talks about how the Bachelor shows have created a whole new realm of verbiage to describe the different stages of a “love”. There’s “I can see myself falling in love with you”, then “I’m starting to fall in love with you”, then “I’m falling in love with you”, and then finally, “I’m in love with you”. So basically, you see, Kelsey has already skipped to stage 2 when she should have started at stage 1 (“I can see myself falling in love with you”) Have some finesse, Kelsey!

This episode really got me thinking about Peter + sex. I feel like ultimately Peter is going to choose whoever’s the best in bed like there’s just no way he doesn’t.

HOW MANY GIRLS IS HE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH IN THE FANTASY SUITES??? I’m not sex-shaming anyone (do whatever the fuk you want), but I could see him having sex with all three. I also think this because he seems to be making some … less-than-thought-through decisions? For example, all these grandiose statements? Again, like Becca Tiley’s comment; imagine if Sydney doesn’t win after receiving “the best kisser” compliment??? I don’t think he’s forward-thinking, like oh, imagine being the contestant that “wins” the show/falls in love with the lead, but then having to watch the show and see the lead’s connections with all these other people? Essentially, “protecting the winner” and your relationship longevity. Nick Viall talks a lot about this on his podcast, how he went into his season (Nick was The Bachelor in Season 21) with that conscious awareness of the winner’s feelings, purposely only had sex with Vanessa, and tried to make all his decisions to make it easier for whoever wins. I don’t think Peter is thinking end-game. WOW, I fkn hate myself for knowing all this stupid shit.

While Kelsey’s talking with Peter, all the other girls are shitting on her for being emotional and for calling everyone fake. Tammy’s like WHAT’S THAT NOW.

In Tammy’s time with Peter, she calls Kelsey tf OUT telling him that she’s been having a mental breakdown. TAMMY, NOOOOO. I would expect YOU of all people to know:

The Bachelor Golden Rule:

DO NOT TALK ABOUT ANY OTHER CONTESTANT IN YOUR TIME WITH THE LEAD.

It’s the absolute number one kiss of death (however, Peter has been rewarding it this season). I expected more from her. I think she was probably encouraged by the producers to do this, but I wish she had said, hell no!!

So Peter pulls Kelsey aside AGAIN to confront her about this alleged “mental breakdown”. I really don’t know how I feel about all of this. On one hand, Kelsey does seem to be extremely emotional, and if anything, this is probably just annoying to all the other girls who are keeping it together. But again, there’s no reason to bring any of this up to Peter!!! Grin and bear it, ladies!!

Peter tells Kelsey STRAIGHT UP like, are you going to be okay? Because it’s not gonna get easier, and Kelsey’s like, yeah, it’s not easy, and he’s like NO LISTEN, it’s not going to get EASIER, lmaoooo.

Kelsey goes back to the girls livid as hell. Her opening line to everyone is, “so, does anyone wanna say who told him I was emotionally unstable today?” All the girls are like omfggggg.

Kelsey says she’s proud of crying in front of everyone ???

Everyone starts to gang up on Kelsey, expressing their frustrations with her emotions because there’s plenty of girls who haven’t even had one-on-ones, yet they’re not losing their shit (well, that is, except for MyKenna). It’s sad to see all these women tearing each other down. I know this is a very intense, competitive environment, but GEEZ, this is a LOT.

At the end of the night, Hannah Ann gets the group-date rose!!! And that’s actually for once, not controversial! Hannah Ann! I see you! 

The next day is Kelley’s one-on-one date. Before she meets him, in her ITM she says okay, he checks off a lot of boxes, but ultimately AM I INTO IT? WOW. AGAIN. A contestant not acting like they are so DESPERATELY in love with the lead without even knowing them!!! UGGGGG, Kelley, ILY.

Peter and Kelley hug and greet each other in the jungle, and they go on this like… energy date with a shaman? Which I’m into I just don’t fully understand it.  

Peter is explaining to the shaman helping them how they first met and says, we met “BEFORE THIS JOURNEY BEGAN” PETER calling this a JOURNEY.

This leads me to just really believe that Peter drank that Bachelor kool-aid, and he drank a couple of liters of that stuff. He LOVES the show, he tried out for it initially a few years ago before ending up on Hannah’s season, he loves Chris Harrison, his producers, and he’s like listening to everything they’re telling him and letting them guide him so hard into absolutely terrible situations (Victoria F. and ex-boyfriend country singer Chase Rice, the Alayah-Victoria P. situation, etc.), but it’s like, no Peter!!! They care about you, but they care about good TV the most!!!! You need to take a hold of the wheel and steer your own ship!!

HAHAHAHAH Peter is like BEARING his heart to Kelley about what he wants in a partner and Kelley’s like, “Look a lizard!” Hahahahhahaha.

And then for Kelley’s portion, she asks, “Are me and peter in the same stage of life?” Lmaooo Kelley is a SAVAGE. She’s like you’re kinda immature, tbh.

This whole date Peter’s in his ITMs saying he needs more from Kelley, that she’s not trying with him. Again, reinforcing Peter loves a bold woman, people who grab him or do special things for him. But also… wtf was she supposed to do when all that drama was going down?

Back at the house, Kelsey and Tammy sit down to talk about what happened the night before. Tammy says the reason she told Peter about Kelsey having a “mental breakdown” was because she’s so distracted trying to help everyone else remain calm (kinda B.S.), she can’t focus on him. She goes on to say how if she feels an emotion she tells Peter instead of holding it inside. I do see where Tammy is coming from but I don’t think it means either of them is in the wrong. EXCEPT, when Tammy implies Kelsey has a drinking problem. Ultimately, it is not a productive conversation for either party.

In the evening portion of Kelley and Peter’s date, Peter comes quickly out with-it, telling her he needs “more” from her. Kelley calmly explains her reservations with him and this process watching all this drama go down and Peter engage it. She tells him she feels truly ready for marriage, but seeing the other girls, she feels like she’s at a different stage of life. She says it in a respectful, non-assuming way; she’s an actual attorney with a career vs. girls who just graduated from college, inherently two different stages of life!

Peter’s like REALLY going in on Kelley, but to me, it’s just like!! She seems like a reserved person, she doesn’t want to get involved with all the drama, she’s like sorry I’m kinda put off by this whole thing. This shows me she is a normal person, having normal person feelings in a nonnormal situation like this!

Ultimately still get’s the rose, Peter gives it to her saying, “we had the strongest initial connection of ANYONE” SO MANY HYPERBOLES.

Peter’s like I NEEEEEED you to trust this process because it WORKS like you MUST give yourself to it, I KNOW it works because me and Hannah Brown fugged a bajillion times!!! Kelley’s like got damn, like okay I will SHEESH. I don’t understand why Peter had to roast her so hard when I felt she was giving authentic genuine answers. He’s also like if she’s not serious she’s gotta go NOW. And I’m like??? What about MyKenna??? What about Natasha??? There are way more people who you have way lesser of relationships with, no need to be hasty!!!

The next day is the rose ceremony, but before that, Kelsey goes to see Peter in his hotel room to talk. She basically defends herself from what Tammy said about her the other night.

She tells Peter she wasn’t mad it was Sydney on the date, but GIRL, you are CAUGHT ‘CUZ THEY SHOWED THE RECEIPTS.

She’s like I just am so into you I can’t help it!!! Peter eats that up, and gives her a rose right there and then. She’s like hype but also realizes everyone is going to POUNCE on her ass. Peter, like PLEASE, help these girls out. Giving Alayah the rose = attack, giving Kelsey the rose = attack, just like… have some chill, there are other ways to go about this!!

Peter also tells her he appreciates her having these feelings and coming to talk to him because it shows him how badly she wants him and all he wants is “someone to want me as bad as I want them.” I truly believe this is an effect of his relationship with Hannah Brown because he was SO into her, and she ended up wanting someone more, leaving him with this complex that someone has to outwardly show how into him they are for him to feel secure.

That night the girls are all amped up and ready to go into the cocktail party before the rose ceremony when Chris Harrison comes in and drops a BOMB. There will be NO COCKTAIL party before the rose ceremony because “earlier today he got the clarity he needed” alluding to KELSEY. So OBVIOUSLY, all the girls are PISSSEEEEDDD. I’m like … again… well done producers. Not well done, Peter. I feel like the past few seasons almost all the cocktail parties get canceled… like these women have straight-up spent 30 minutes with Peter if they haven’t had a one-on-one date.

Then all the girls are sitting around absolutely FUMING, the Tammy/Kelsey drama comes back up, and now everyone is ganging up on Tammy. Sydney tells Tammy, “when I’m with Peter talking about other girls is the last thing on my mind” BISH, ARE YOU ACTUALLY KIDDING. In the third episode the whole time you’re with peter you’re like ugh, I’m just so different and superior, I don’t understand how you can be into me if you’re into all these other fake bitches. Sydney is the literal WOAT.

Tammys like ummmm, wtf about Alayah and Sydney loses her MIND because she knows Tammy is RIGHT. It just gets nasty after this.

Then Tammy asks Sydney why she can’t just be her own person instead of taking her passe around with her everywhere, and they start EVIL MEAN GIRL LAUGHING and CALLING HER CRAZY. WE DO NOT CALL OTHER PEOPLE CRAZY IN AN ACTUAL LEGIT DERRAGOTORY WAY. I can’t express my dislike for Sydney enough, but this whole thing is just nasty and mean and foul. I want all of them to leave.

They FINALLY get to the SECOND rose ceremony of the episode when Tammy asks if she can quickly talk with Peter beforehand. THEN MyKenna has to talk to him. Everyone is like literally WTF. I’m like WTF. I’m OVER THIS.

Lexi and Shian go home. Cool. Fine. Lexi was getting mean and Shian we all saw that coming.

In the trailers next week is the most ABSURD THING I’VE EVER SEEN.

I would like to predict right now even if Peter did choose someone (from this season lmao) at the end, there’s NOOOOO way they are gonna be together after watching this. Maybe they’ll make it a little while after the show ends but the shit in here is gonna be TOUGH to watch him be SO INTENSE with other girls.

I’m pretty sure the only reason why we are getting another episode this week is for cattier nonexistent drama. I am absolutely devastated to see Tammy crash and burn like this, I really did not see this coming for my queen. Everyone who I hated at first, I now like, and everyone who I liked at first is losing me. Thus goes The Bachelor. You’re all characters in the story of LOVE. I’ll see you on the other side of this two episode special!