Pilot Pete: Sex, Being a Pilot, and My Parents Still Get It On
***I do not own the rights to these videos.
It has been a long, cold Bachelor Franchise winter, I feel like I have aged a thousand lifetimes waiting for Peter’s season to come on, but alas, the wait is over, depression has subsided, and DAMN did we come back HOT. The primary word I would use to describe this episode is … chaotic?? Whether the chaos is neutral, good, or bad remains to be seen.
FIRST off, this episode is THREE HOURS LONG. Within it, we get what is always in the first episode (introductions of contestants & lead, the first night’s cocktail party, and the first rose ceremony) AND 75% of what’s typically the second episode; two group dates (topics include being a pilot & sex… Peter, you know I love you, but if I don’t see a third dimension soon imma lose it), a one on one (with his PARENTS RENEWING THEIR VOWS WTF), AND seeing Hannah Brown, not once, but TWICE?? Literally, an absolute whirlwind(mill) of fkn emotions but you know I’m here for it, LFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Immediately the first scene of the show we see is so INTENSE. It starts off with a shot of a Grand Canyon-esque desert red rock, which… what kind of engagement site is this? No beautiful tropical beach in Greece or the Maldives or literally ANYWHERE except the dessert??? If I was Peter, I’d be PISSED. Chris Harrison classicly is the bearer of bad news, and Peter is TWEAKING. He keeps repeating, “Are you serious? Are you SERIous?” He’s anxiously & angrily pacing and sweating and walking away from the cameras as the producers try to talk to him. Finally, he’s lying on a bed staring at the ceiling saying, “That’s the last thing I wanted to hear right now.” What is it that you didn’t want to hear right then, Peter? That the woman you were going to choose left right before the finale??? What is this about?! Only time will tell, but within the first two minutes, I have already been reeled the fuck IN.
Aaaand we’re back to the regularly scheduled programming of hyping the shit out of the lead. We are going DEEP into the pilot stuff, but that’s okay, I accept it, I signed up for it, and I’m absolutely here for it. We get the pilot back story, how his dad was a pilot, his mom was a flight attendant, they met in a sky, they are endlessly in love, and we see now why Peter has hope for his own love! His family beautifully honors and embraces their Cuban and German heritages as well as each other. They are undeniably fully wholesome and seem genuinely like a beautiful, perfect family. Now that I have said it, I’m going to say I have had ENOUGH of the family, I don’t want to see them again until the final two. Families are nice but they are not SEXI which is what I’m here for so, with all due respect, please NO MORE. PLEASE.
Ultimately though, the point is received; Peter is a well-polished career man, with great family values whilst simultaneously being a master in the sheets. There’s a palpable sexiness to him, I just want to TOUCH HIM.
The intros of the girls are generic & over the top, per usual, but a few things stick out. First, Hannah Ann’s intro included her entire family sitting at dinner with specifically a spot set out for Peter (at the head of the table and not like, Idk, BY HANNAH ANN), and they’re all discussing what it will be like when he’s there. I get it, this is The Bachelor, but I wish you could do literally ANYTHING else that tells us about your personality (if she has one, which after this episode, I’m not convinced).
Next, my current favorite, Tammy’s intro starts with her flipping this dude over her shoulder with like, three separate moves?? She stayed every day after school to practice with the boys’ wrestling team until they let her on?? YEEEEES queen, please don’t do something I’ll hate cuz right now ILY.
Lastly, I thought the most touching story was Victoria P. talking about how her dad passed away when she was only two, her mom struggling (but won!) with alcoholism, which together led her to be the primary caretaker for her sister when they were growing up. That caretaking instinct translated into becoming a nurse, and she said her favorite part is helping people who can’t help themselves. It’s quite beautiful & positive that’s she’s found strength in originally caring for her sister, and has applied that to a lifetime of helping people. I’m glad we have nurses and doctors, all physical and mental health caretakers because I sure as hell do not want to do that!
Peter pulls up to the mansion for ~the night he meets his wife~ in a sharp ass tux & a bow tie and he is looking FIONNNE! I absolutely adore the bro-ship between Peter and Chris Harrison, & the calling of each other “dude” and “man” after every statement lmao. Just two Cali bros, one helping the other look for love.
Then we hear the familiar screams of fangirling women & we know it’s time for Peter to meet the girls.
The first person out of the limo is historically significant. It’s typically someone who goes far, and sometimes even wins (ie. Lauren B. in Ben Higgin’s season is the first one out). The first one out of Peter’s limo is Alayah who was Miss Texas which is… unfortunate for me but probably not for her… but beyond that, they have a really sweet interaction where she gives him a note her grandmother wrote to him, and they find out both of their grandmothers are named Rose. So sweet!
The rest come in one by one all with their accompanied gags and jokes about either the windmill (dressed as a windmill, remarks about “four times”, a picture of a “hairless pussy… cat” and I quote), or being a Pilot (coming in on a little plane car, having “wings”, a throw-up bag in case he gets nauseous, etc.), or both (scanning his famous, award-winning, “package” similar to an airport-style screening, done by my current fav. Tammy).
One more significant entrance was from Kelley, who… has met Peter before? I find the whole explanation on the show very vague and confusing… But essentially what I have gathered is they met at a hotel? Like… did Peter walk up to her and be like hello, you are hot? Or was she like, hello, you are Peter from the Bachelorette, and you are hot? Very little specifics on the premises of their meeting, but the point is they have met before, and Peter seems apparently very excited to see her. She doesn’t really evoke much emotion from me either way.
Just as the girls start complaining about how many beautiful women are there & how they hope no more are coming none other than THEE Hannah Brown herself(Re: The Bachelorette this summer, arguably one of the BEST Bachelorettes EVER, Re: the other half of the windmill debacle, Re: the WINNER of Dancing With the Stars) steps out of the limo with a knowing smile on her face (knowing in the sense like everyone here is about to FREAK the fu*k out, which is indeed what happens).
All the girls are watching from the windows of the mansion commenting, “What is she saying to him??”, “She’s been talking to him for a while”, “If she comes in this house so help me GOD,” things of that nature. Meanwhile, what’s ACTUALLY happening is she’s giving him back his “wings”, a pin he gave her the very first night when HE came out of the limo, so he can give it to another girl. Peter’s incredulous at the whole thing, he’s like this is so crazy, “do you remember, like, a couple months ago?” ie. when we were making sweet ass love FOUR TIMES. Hannah’s like…uhh ya I remember that lmao. A really sweet sentiment from Hannah, but of course they made it all sneaky with her coming out of the limo like she’s there to stay! Can someone say foreshadowing!!!
Then Peter FINALLY comes inside and makes a halfway decent speech about how he’s so excited, and “he thinks his wife is in this room”, all the buzz words necessary in an opening night’s cocktail speech. The night goes on with mostly generic conversations, but one thing is for sure… everyone is playing the “I want what my parents have” card hard AF.
The “I Want What My Parents Have” Card
The rest of the night is a blur because there are SO many girls, so I will note major contenders, ie. got some decent airtime,
Significant Contenders:
Hannah Ann… a 23-year-old “model” from Knoxville, Tennessee who already is making me lose my mind in a BAD WAY. She & Peter talk how important family is for both of them, and after, she gives him a painting of the Smoky Mountains her & her dad did…
On principle, sweet! Touching! In reality… TERRIBLE painting, not even terrible, but just sooooo basic, we all could have done something of that caliber lmao. I’m absolutely NOT impressed by her at this point. She goes on to “steal” Peter THREE TIMES. And mostly just like… to mack!!! Another girl, Shian, confronts her about taking so much time when a lot of girls (ie. her) haven’t had any time with him at all. Literally classic Bachelor Feud, and the absolute kiss of death for all parties involved, but Hannah Ann responds like an actual ALIEN BIOTCH. She does a fake smile, like, can I help you???
She claims she wants everyone to get their time with him, and ends the conversation with a thumb motion backward like Shian is a dog, like, “go get it, girl!!!”
… At this point, my jaw is on the fkn GROUND. Hannah Ann acting like she’s not talking with an actual person has left me with a baaaaad taste in my mouth. She ain’t it for me, but SADLY, you know she’s going to go far. Additionally, she got the first impression rose… alsdfkjalskdfjasldkfjsdlkf…. Because she’s the littlest and the cutest, just like how Colton gave it to Hannah G… who is coincidentally Hannah Ann’s friend… UGHGGGG it’s just all too much to handle.
Madison… a 23-year-old who literally appears to have JUST graduated from Auburn because she is walking around the campus. In her & Peter’s time together, they throw massive paper airplanes (Madison walked in with one around her) & then continue talking outside, but it all just feels so CONTRIVED. Madison’s like, tell me something interesting. Peter, the classic SHY GUY says, “a lot of people don’t know this about me, but I’m actually a naturally very shy person.” Madison is IMMEDIATELY like, “Well I love that about you, because you are vulnerable and honest, and real and, like, I love that about you, it was one of the things that drew me to you”, literally talking at the SPEED OF LIGHT, spewing this generic ass shit, I’m like give me a BREAK. But nonetheless, she’ll likely be a big player in this game we call LOVE.
Kelley… a 27-year-old Attorney (badass, we’ll give her some credit) in Chicago at her family’s firm (less badass, but take what you can get in this world). The one who has weirdly met Peter before… Again, Peter just seems extremely excited about her & keeps assuring her how happy he is that she’s there, so I think it’s safe to say she’s going to stick around, at least for a while.
Lastly, Victoria P… a 27-year-old nurse from Louisiana had significant time with Peter. The one thing that made her stand out was that she mentioned she’s excited to get a rose because no guy has ever given her flowers… that’s one way to swoop in there, honey, guilt trip! They’re both just so nice and sweet to each other it’s like, almost disgusting for those of us with rotten, evil hearts lol. I don’t wish her ill will though because I’m touched by her backstory ie. she’s actually lived life, and one of the only ones I actually believe about wanting to get married and settle down. AND, I think she’s going to be the virgin they are alluding to in the trailers.
Then comes the first rose ceremony which is straight-up taking place in the morning, like it is FULLY light outside which I just find LOL. Since I’m tragically obsessed with this show, I know that the cocktail parties take all night & the rose ceremony ends up being close to or in the morning, but typically the sun is just coming up or they have the curtains closed so it still looks like night. But ABC’s just like, fuck it, this shit takes FOREVER, the rose ceremony is happening in the morning and we’re tired of hiding that lmao.
Peter is literally the SWEETEST I can not deal with it. He starts off the rose ceremony by saying, “If you don’t receive a rose tonight, I wish that you may one day find your love too”. Be still my heart.
ALL THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS GO HOME OMG. I’m honestly glad Peter put that shit to rest right away, like, he’s not his dad, he’s his own person!!
But, we are only HALFWAY DONE with this episode folks, we got a lot of shit that still happens… buckle the F up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride 😉
The next day is the first group date and all the girls show up wearing “athletic clothes”, except its entirely impractical, because what kind of psychopaths work out in JUST their sports bras??? Peter is looking fly as FUH in his brown leather jacket, as well as when he is shirtless hosing down the airplane!!! I ain’t mad about it!!
Two decorated women pilots who sound & look badass as hell (Katie Cook, first female Blue Angels pilot & Alyssa Johnson, flies C-130 for the marines) come out to introduce the date as a pseudo pilot “boot camp”.
They start with “school” where they have to answer really basic questions (how many feet in a mile, which you would KNOW if you’ve lived in Denver for a year 😉 5,280 😉 mile HIGH babyyyy). They do a classroom type session like this every season, and people always get seemingly easy answers wrong, but I’m over it!! Like none of us have any practical knowledge, and that’s okay, I have other shit to occupy my brain!
Then they go into this gymnasium looking room with a contraption with multiple massive circles in it that’s apparently supposed to simulate turbulence a pilot has to deal with… but it literally turns you upside down, inside out, I’m like IDK if it’s different for a pilot, but I have never been turned upside down from turbulence. Lmfaoooo this looks wayyy worse.
The producers (lmfaOOOOOOO) make up this whole scene with Victoria P where she is telling a traumatic story of when she puked after riding some spinning ride at a fair (girl, same lmao, shit SUX) with intense music, and it’s just like lmao this girl has actually been through real trauma but like, truly puking is the worst!! She’s dreading her turn, but she’s being “brave for Peter” and doing it despite her trauma. She’s in the circle contraption for about two seconds, when she’s like “STOP”.
Peter’s laughing, but quickly realizes, oh shit, she is not good. She sprints to the bathroom and proceeds to puke. Bachelor producers really flexing their gender-neutral bathroom despite never once handling race or age and BARELY same-sex relationships with grace, but hey, incrementalism is a way forward
Literally, I never feel closer to hell than when I am puking, so I FEEL for her. Hero Peter comes over with a PLASTIC water bottle, which everyone was giving him shit for on Twitter. Reusable is the way, my king! It was overall, of course, a sweet gesture & he even hugs her post puke self, which I honestly would not do! 10 outta 10 Peter.
Then my absolute favorite part of the date happens when the girls have to compete in this pilot obstacle course that is like… not just small, easy obstacles, they have to do a LOT. They have to run towards these strong ass MASSIVE fans that are supposed to simulate… wind??? Like I’m just laughing this whole time, is this really what pilots do to “prepare”??? Obviously not, but it’s still just so ridiculous it’s funny. All the girls are trying to run in this wind, but they’re walking on this weird like yellow shit (what is this supposed to represent, I’m just so CONFUSED), and they all keep falling down. It’s the funniest shit I’ve seen in a while.
THEN as if this whole date can’t get any more comical, Kelley accidentally cheats to win in the ending bike race. Instead of intertwining through the cones, she just takes the most direct path. AND the winner gets extra “one on one” time with Peter in his literal personal (?) plane (p.s. Hannah Brown has been in this plane during Peter’s hometowns, smh!!! Peter using the same moves, but hey, tried and true, work with what you got). So, Kelley takes her cheated win as a win, and just goes right on along with Peter on the personal flight tour (which looks absolutely sick I must say). All the other girls are DEVASTATED they didn’t win, and LIVID that Kelley “cheated” I’m just like… aight, I’d be pissed too, but I promise you it’s going to be OKAY. Everyone needs to take it down about a thousand notches, it’s the first DAY.
Eventually, Kelley and Peter come back from their time and meet all the other girls for the cocktail party (in the hotel Kelley and Peter met at, like WTF!!! Kelley has a major advantage, you just truly can’t even compete with that).
At the party, Victoria P and Peter are talking (which everyone has been saying she looks like Demi from Colton’s season, and who got famously engaged to a woman (YES QUEEN) on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.) I agree when she is wearing her glasses but that’s about it lol.
Victoria P is telling Peter how special today was for her because he came and gave her a water bottle when she got sick. She’s says something to the effect of how “No guy’s ever been nice to me like that.” I’m like… bare minimum twitter WYA!!!! GORL – that was NICE but also I would hope ANY PERSON would do this for you. You’ve GOT to shoot a little higher than that. THEN Peter really amps it up, and he’s like I’ll be right back, and goes outside to pick her flowers since she’s gotten flowers from a guy. I won’t be sour about this… this is very sweet. Gold star, Peter!
Later on, Kelley comes to steal Peter DESPITE, already getting time with him (WTF). They have some generic conversation about how they met at THIS hotel which again… is just a weird-ass confusing story. But then AGAIN Peter uses a move we have seen BEFORE of lifting a girl onto a table. He did this with Hannah Brown on a pool table and bumped her head on a light and was all awkward about it. He’s swifter this time, but Kelley is SO AWK. She’s like, what do I do with my legs, like should I straddle you or nah? lmaoooo. SO AWK.
Surprise, surprise, at the end of the night Kelley gets the rose after the girls confronted her about “cheating” for the one-on-one time, and she’s just like…okay, lmao. I’m just not compelled by Kelley; we’ll see if she can turn me.
Next in the episode comes the one-on-one with Madison, who every time I see, my brain is just like CHILD. This hoe JUST graduated college, I won’t assume she hasn’t experienced hardships in her life, but I’m like, girl, you don’t even know the pain of just every single day adulthood existence, you canNOT be seriously telling me you’re trying to get married, good GOD.
Peter picks her up in a SUIT and she’s wearing a formal ass dress, and that’s my cue to be like… wtf is going on, they usually aren’t this dressed up for one-on-ones, especially towards the beginning. They proceed to go to Peter’s CHILDHOOD home for his parent’s ceremony to RENEW THEIR VOWS.
This is literally SO INTENSE, not to mention, this is literally the FIRST one-on-one date, like what if Peter hates this chick, he’s spent about 15 minutes with her!! Usually, only the top two meet the parents. Occasionally, they have the “family date” before the final two (re: Hannah Brown on Colton’s season gets to meet his parents & then goes home that night right before Hometowns, re: one of the twins from Ben Higgin’s season meets the parents, I think she was top ~6ish, but again, goes home after that: it’s kind of another kiss of death). But this is unprecedented territory, they’ve certainly NEVER before included the family so INTENSELY on the first episode.
Like I mentioned earlier, I understand that family is important to Peter & that’s all good and fine, but I cannot think about Peter getting it ON when they are so omnipresent. I need them to stop!!!!!
Despite my skepticism of the whole family ordeal, this ceremony absolutely brought me to tears. Peter is renewing their vows??? He’s like? Surprise, I’m an ordained minister?? I’m like wtf, but okay lmao. His parents go on to say their vows to each other, and where I really lose it is when Peter’s dad is like, “How is it possible that 31 years have passed in what seems like a blink of an eye?” then starts bawling like a little softy. DANG PETER SR. that is so SWEET. And ultimately that’s what we all want?? Time flies when you’re having fun!!
The rest of the date is a reception with everyone floating around and talking, and there’s a short clip where Madison tells Peter’s mom this is the most incredible first date she’s ever been on, and I know it was not meant as shade, but Peter’s mom laughs, she’s like, yeah I bet, like this is fucking dope, and I’m just like lmaooooo.
Later on, Madison & Peter go to dinner (just the two of them, thank GOD), and I just am NOT SOLD on Madison. Number one because of the child bride B.S., but also because she rambles the most GENERIC SHIT to Peter. Like she’s taken notes on all seasons prior & learned the most successful buzz words so far; “I feel like I’ve known you my whole life” (twice now), being with you “felt like home”, referring to parents “everlasting unconditional love”, “I wasn’t expecting to feel this comfortable with you”, “I wasn’t expecting to have feelings so soon”, “I can’t imagine having to share you”, “I do believe this works”, and “Even if it’s not me, I want you to be with the best person you can be with” just STOP PLEASE, and just have like …??? A normal conversation to get to know him??? I ain’t buying what she’s selling.
WOW, this episode is giving me WHIPLASH!!! First episode of the season and we ALREADY have a private concert with a country artist no one has ever heard of!!! Then as if it’s already not cringe-y enough, the lead singer’s like, “Alright, family come on in!!” The Webers’ come promenading in like a choreographed dance, and I’m like, omg pls go HOME and enjoy yourselves with your newly renewed vows!!!
Overall, I am truly not sold on Madison, but she is not evil or mean so I feel bad judging her so hard… Again, give me some substance to get behind, girl.
We’ve now come to the second group date of the week, ie. pretty much everyone who didn’t go on the first one, goes on this one. Notably, three people (Sarah, Lexi, and Kierra) don’t go on any date this week, which is usually a guarantee one of them will have the one-on-one next week or at least be on the group dates. All three of them seem like chill, normal, beautiful ladies??? I want to see more of them!! Especially Sarah, I think she could go really far. And Lexi, because I think she’s absolutely drop-dead gorgeous and a bad a$$
The girls all show up, and Peter’s like a good friend of mine planned this date, so I’m excited to see what it is. And the lights come up on the stage and again… it’s none other than HANNAH BROWN standing next to a prop WINDMILL. Notably, she’s wearing the infamous silver sparkly dress, ie. the dress she’s wearing when Peter asks her to come be in the house in the trailers, ie. the moment we’ve all been waiting for!!!
She goes on to tell the “story” of her and Peter in the windmill, and we get the JUICY details of the four times, which I absolutely ADORED learning that three of the four times were at night, and then the last one was in the MORNING, ie. when we got those juicy shots of them in bed, that was post cooitaaaaaal. YESSSSS.
Although I, of course, ate this shit UP, all the girls are like… why tf is this happening right now. Hannah goes on to explain that everyone is going to share a sex story in front of a live audience later that night. Again, this is another classic Bachelor Troupe of performing something ridiculous in front of an audience. They specifically did the sex stories on JoJo’s season too, which is when Evan (the penis doctor, married to Carly from Bachelor in Paradise) accuses Chad (major meathead, who is like, high key for real scary) of doing steroids, and then when he’s walking back to his seat, there’s an altercation where Chad rips his shirt!!! Good god!!! Let’s hope this time is more civil than that!
In the last part of the episode, we see Hannah sitting alone in a room crying when Peter comes in to talk to her. She keeps repeating sorry, and that’s she’s not doing okay. Peter asks her how it was for her the first night coming to the mansion and she says, “terrible.” He goes on to say, he honestly wasn’t sure the reason she was there, that he didn’t rule out the possibility of her coming to be in the house. He says he appreciated her bringing back the wings, but she didn’t have to because he gave them to her, and that he understands that she had to follow her heart. This really triggers her, she keeps repeating, I don’t know, I don’t know, and finally just says, “I didn’t know what the **** I was doing,” AND THEN GENUINELY SOB CRIES. This is like for real SAD.
Peter asks if it ever crossed her mind to ask HIM out instead of TYLER on the last episode and its like DAMMMMN. He didn’t even care about Jed, but it was the fact that she asked TYLER out that crushed him. He’s like I don’t want to be your THIRD choice, it’s like YEAH, you’ve really got a point there, Peter!!
Side note, I wonder how many waterproof mascaras Hannah will be receiving in the mail asking for her to please sponsor them!
Then Peter’s like, this is insane, but WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I ASKED YOU IF YOU WANTED TO COME BE PART OF THE HOUSE? There’s 0.0% chance Hannah can do this because 1) Dancing With the Stars & 2) She’s probably like holy hell, I canNOT go through this AGAIN, I was the MF Bachelorette for God’s sake!!!
Peter keeps pushing her to talk because for once, she’s really not being articulate as to how she’s feeling. He asks her if she regrets sending him home, and she’s like, yeah I question that all the TIME. She says she would have always picked Jed (DAMMMMMN) because he was comfortable, which, anyone in the world could have seen she was going to pick Jed from decently early on. She goes on to say she thought it would be him and PETER meeting her parents, and Peter seems genuinely hurt, saying he didn’t know that.
HANNAHS FACE WHEN PETER TELLS HER he would have “100% tried again if she wanted to” before she asked Tyler out is GUT WRENCHING. SHE’S REALIZING SHE REALLY, REALLY FUCKED UP, NOT ONCE BUT TWICE.
OMG LITERALLY RIP MY HEART OUT AND STOMP ON IT when Peter says, he didn’t even realize it was her when she first got out of the limo, and that he was drawn to her before he realized it was her. BITCHHHHHH if these people are meant to be together, it’s a really long hard fkn process getting there. LIFE IS PAIN.
Then we get hit with that TO BE CONTINUED, and a preview of just like… truly every girl crying and talking about Hannah so I’m like… IS SHE GOING TO STAY OR DOES PETER JUST ADMIT TO EVERYONE HE STILL HAS FEELINGS. It DOESN’T ADD UP WITH DANCING WITH THE STARS. UGHHHH. I’m so conflicted rationally how this would work, and for moral reasons.
Ultimately, they obviously have amazing chemistry, and both sincerely really cared for each other (they both SOB when Peter leaves on The Bachelorette), but like Peter said, that’s not really fair for him to have to be her THIRD choice (not even second, which even at the time, I’m like Tyler! You don’t deserve this! This said with knowing I adore Hannah Brown to pieces, but everyone deserves to be picked first!!!).
With that said, we’ve all been confused and felt like we “listened to our heart”, just for it to turn out that our heart was wrong. It’s heart-wrenching to watch, and I can’t confidently say I DON’T want them to end up together because I just want what’s BEST for everyone. I’m not the one who gets to decide what that would be.
Lastly though, if she does stay, I would feel so bad for the other girls because that really isn’t fair, and if I was one of the girls, I would feel slighted as well. UGH. Only time will tell.
This episode, again, was so chaotic, and truly so much happened, but it makes me so so SO excited for this season. Signing off for now, but I’ll be back next week to see what dramatic shit happens next. Ta ta for now!
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