The Bachelorette: Hometowns’ Hot Goss XOXO

“I’m very protective over Jed, and making music makes him soooo happy, and honestly, like, him potentially falling in love with you, I’m like, I’m not sure that it’s a good thing.”

— Jed’s Sister

Wow! Hometowns! Family!

Hometowns are historically one of the most boring episodes during a Bachelorette (or Bachelor) season because rarely do they provide drama (occasionally the fam is like… no, but even still, does that stop the contestants?) However, how the lead reacts to the families says a lot about how they feel about the contestants. Join me as I brazenly, fearlessly indulge way too deeply into what we learned this week, and what it means for the rest of the season.

Part 1: Peter’s Hometown – “Clapping & Crying”

Peter’s One-on-One Portion

Peter has the first hometown date in Westlake Village, CA, which I will say is a little bit surprising. Pretty much up until the last episode when Peter was on the date with the other guys (Garrett & Luke) I thought he was going to be in the Top 2. However, his airtime was the shortest of any contestant this week, and we’re not getting anything really new from Peter. It’s mostly shots of him saying generic, romantic things (maybe he’s just a generic guy), but this could potentially tee him up perfectly to knock the ball out of the park as ‘The Bachelor’.

Obviously, the best part of probably the entirety of Peter’s hometown date was when Hannah found the condom in Peter’s center console (Hannah says, “You’re a safe guy, Peter.”) Peter is continuously presenting himself as this responsible, sweet, hard-working (has a real career and TBH money, not saying that’s everything but still), AND sexual/sexi guy. And just like that, Ba-da-bing, Ba-da-boom, “You got yourself your next Bachelor!”

Peter acting like he’s never seen his parent’s house via plane before?? lmaOOOO! Conversely, Peter’s parents acting as if they’ve never seen him fly over their home before?? Hahahahah! Dear Academy, please give the Weber family the Oscar they deserve.

Also… this is not the same brown/tan plane… rather definitely a white one. Not important, but lol.

After the plane ride, Hannah tries to do the Dirty Dancing end jumping move where Baby jumps into Patrick Swazye’s (R.I.P.) arms (and he gallantly & effortlessly lifts her SOARING through the air!) with Peter. She’ll try again later in the episode with with Tyler.

She tries to jump into Peter’s arms when she’s getting out of the plane but it turns into Peter kinda just slinging her over his shoulders. Also, if you look closely, he actually shakes his head either at his producer? Or the camera? Like dang, this girl is nuts but she’s fun. LOL!

Peter’s Hometown: Family Portion

Just to preface, going into this episode I expected absolutely nothing but pure, wholesome family cuteness from Peter’s family. But seeing the actual, real Weber family (S/O Webers!!! I’m a Web!!) was better than I ever could have imagined.

Peters’s mom’s reaction when they walk in the door just starts the whole night with an absolute bang.

Despite Peter’s adorable family (I know people are freaking out on Twitter about Peter’s brother but like… he looked really young to me so I’m not into it), something tragic and horrible happened early on.

Peter puts his arm terribly, awkwardly around Hannah’s shoulder INSTEAD of her waist!!! This is absolutely HORRIBLE to see, as all women know this results in awkward neck position & aching back, and is just overall tragic and psycho (This is an allusion to Cat & Pat’s “Seek Treatment”, all due respect to the realness and legitimacy of mental illness).

All the clapping! The mother claps! The brother claps! Haven’t seen the dad clap YET but only time will tell!

Okay, obviously we love the German shouting toast. So pure and not like ~too intense~ for non-religious viewers, just an overall fun time for all. It means (apologies if the translation is slightly off, this is the best I could do with Google Translate), “Happy is the mealtime feast!!” The purest, sweetest family, Peter, sign me up, please!

Lastly, Peter gives a toast and starts crying when he says something about how this is the most amazing journey of his life & that being able to meet Hannah has been such a blessing, AND that his grandparents (maybe no longer with us?) would have loved her. Absolutely DAMN. Put me in the actual hospital, Peter!!! That is the sweetest thing I have heard in my life!

Lot’s of kissing in front of the parents!

WE INTERRUPT THIS REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM WITH AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST:

PETER SAYS TO HIS DAD, “THAT’S MY PERSON, I’VE FOUND MY PERSON” AND GUESS WHO ELSE HAS SAID THAT IN BACHELOR HISTORY BEFORE? – ‘Okay class, please turn to page 363 in your history textbook. Today we are learning about the Ben Higgins era of The Bachelor. Now, this is an especially important lesson so I want you all to listen extremely closely, as Ben Higgins was the last great Bachelor we have seen in recent history” – BEN HIGGINS TO LAUREN B AFTER HE PROPOSES IN THE FINALE!

Obviously, this is a familiar phrase that people say everywhere in every country and language. It’s tacky, blah blah blah, but it’s more evidence towards the Peter is Ben Higgins claim, ie. My Bachelor Ben Higgins™ reincarnated, and thus, would give us an equally outstanding, if not even better performance as The Bachelor. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING, NOW BACK TO YOUR SHOW!

Now we have found ourselves at the third cry of the evening with The Webers. Peter’s Dad’s crying comes out of NOWHERE, and it is SOBBING, and THIS is the most heartbreaking/warming moment of Peter’s hometown. And just when you think it can’t be any sweeter, TEARS COME TO PETER’S EYES. Beautiful.

“Que viva el Amor!” Peter’s family sings-shouts as Hannah & Peter leave, “Hurray for love!”

Everyone knows that Peter and Hannah have the best sexual connection. This is obvious and a given so don’t argue me on this point. My proposition as to WHY Peter is the most sexual is because he’s got that Cuban blood in him! I know this is scientifically sound as my boyfriend is HOT & SEXI, and HE is half Cuban as well so do the math!!!

PARTING WORDS Between Hannah and Peter

As Hannah is getting into the car post awkward-bench chat, they are kissing a little, and it’s kind of sweet, kind of awkward, and Peter says, “Alright ‘Bama, see you soon” (Sidenote: ‘Bama’ is a cute nickname, but still not like “hot sexi” like let’s fuq). Then the most alarming proof that Peter is not winning occurs; Hannah slaps his butt as if to say, “Good game, champ.”

Peter’s not winning lol.

Thoughts after Peter’s Hometown

Hannah did seem genuinely excited throughout the day, and she reacted excitedly to the things Peter had in store (nice car, cool plane, etc.). She seemed happy to kiss him and interact with him, but once she goes to meet his family she is reserved. This tells me she feels the worst about going to Peter’s hometown because she knows she won’t pick him. Also, it’s becoming increasingly obvious in every episode they have less of an intimate connection, and more so just Peter telling her she’s amazing & them passionately making out. How long can something like that last?

Part 2: Tyler’s Hometown – “Too Many Lines“

Tyler’s One-on-One Portion

Hannah meets Tyler in the beautiful but questionable state of Florida in his hometown, Jupiter. She is maybe more excited to see Tyler than Peter? There is a marginal difference in her reaction, but the point is she’s clearly happy to see him.

I am a huge Tyler stan (even though Peter is my Day 1), but he has limited outward emotion on his face/discernible inflection, and his,“I promise you I’m better at driving a boat than a horse” line feels rehearsed.

They take a boat out on the water, which to be fair it IS a decently cute boat, but as the Greatest Voice in Bachelor Recap. Nation, Juliet Litman of The Ringer’s “Bachelor Party” podcast, first said, ‘the boat, and the old house, and the dancing all just feels like Tyler’s rehearsed ‘bring-a-girl-home’ (or-to-bed) move.

I’m sure applying sunscreen to each other was probably sexy to them, but to me, it was just awkwardly, like, moving around skin and muscles, and it all just reminded me that humans are comprised of flesh and it’s gross lol.

Tyler has too many lines, but for this piece of art? All is forgiven.

At one point Hannah says, “It’s cool to think a future with Tyler could be here because this is paradise,” but it’s like… Hunni, Florida is wack AF! You can do this same sort of thing with Peter in California, and IMO, Pacific>Atlantic. Also, Tyler lives in NYC now!

Lastly, full circle from Peter’s date, Tyler actually knows the infamous Dirty Dancing bit, so when Hannah begins to look like she’ll jump off the stage into Tyler’s arms, he prepares adequately, and they manage to pull off a semi-decent result!

Tyler’s Hometown: Family Portion

Of course, Tyler comes rolling in HOT to meet the fam with his classically-Tyler tight pants that ONLY Tyler could wear!

I thought it was very sweet when Tyler & Hannah walk in together and they are both absolutely BEAMING! You know Tyler likes to be all suave by not overly smiling/revealing his emotions, but seeing them both so outwardly, organically happy was really sweet.

Everyone in Tyler’s family at the same time looks both exactly like Tyler and nothing like Tyler at all. Like, I can tell he came from both his dad and his mom, and I can tell his brothers are related to him, but they all still have their own distinct look. One brother is a redhead??? Truly, outstanding unforeseeable plot twist, but I’m here for it.

Tyler’s love for his dad and his dad’s love for him is extremely evident from their first embrace forward. In his ITM, Tyler is talking about his dad when he stops to say, “I don’t know what’s going on with my eye, man.” As viewers, we ALL know Tyler is getting choked up about his dad because who WOULDN’T, but I wish Tyler would embrace the emotion and own it as part of his masculinity like Peter the King!

I love how Tyler presents his feelings to his family about Hannah and the entire process of the show. Of course, the topic of engagement, and how strongly he feels towards her are asked in varying forms. Throughout, Tyler has a realistic perspective and response saying basically I currently feel really strongly for her, and if she continues to choose me I CAN be the guy who gets down on one knee. He doesn’t claim that he KNOWS without a doubt it will be him (ideologies held by especially Luke, and even Peter to a small extent), but he’s interested in being ‘the one’ if she should choose him.

We all know we need Tyler to be in Paradise or at least still in the mix of single Bachelor Nation people so we can hear more from him though, TBH!!!

Tyler’s Dad calling Hannah ‘Miss Hannah’, or ‘Miss Hannah B.’ is the sweetest thing once again, that I! Have! Ever! Seen!

Last note, Hannah wears white sneakers on her hometown with Peter, but SEXY SKINNY HIGH HEELS to Tyler’s hometown, possibly kind of ‘bringing it’ a little bit more.

PARTING WORDS Between Hannah and Tyler

Tyler & Hannah are PASSIONATELY kissing (potentially most passionate in this episode? Passionately isn’t necessarily even the right word, maybe more so like, aggressively?), and Hannah begins to get in the car to leave when Tyler says, “Well, I think I have to leave you here, but I’m not,” to which Hannah quickly retorts, “Okay!” Then they proceed to aggressively/intensively make out. And the driver was in there! LOL!

Thoughts after Hometown with Tyler

In this episode more than any other I have consciously thought that Tyler is trying to be smooth. He uses soooo many generic lame-romantic lines, and it comes off forced, even THOUGH, I think it comes from a genuine place. It’s almost as if he is self-aware enough to know he seems like he would be a player, but he’s actually not so he’s being ironic? Or he used to be a player, and again is self-aware enough to be like, okay I’m more mature now and can look back on that and see I’ve changed internally, but my moves are my moves? I can’t quite figure it out.

Whenever Tyler accepts a rose from Hannah, he always says, “Always”. It reminds me of the book, “The Fault In Our Stars”, by John Green, when even as TEENAGERS the two people in a romantic couple, know “always” is a lame thing to say to your lover, so they say “okay” instead. I think Tyler is trying to go for this romantic, grand, longstanding gesture/recurring phrase to prepare for an, ‘It was meant to be!’ story. Ultimately, I don’t think it will be them together at the end. I think Hannah likes Tyler because he’s interesting, layered, and complex, but ultimately their in-person connection can be awkward because it’s being ‘put-on’ sometimes by Tyler.

Overall, obviously stan a mainstream feminist ICON such as Tyler, but ultimately, he’s not winning either.

Part 3: Luke’s Hometown – “Luke & Trump Would Likely Get Along Since Both are Master Manipulators; This Is Trying Not To Have Political Partisanship, Just Meant To Say They Both Manipulate Extremely Well, And Generate More Media Coverage Than Anyone Because Everyone is Like WTF”

Luke’s One-on-One Portion

Next, Hannah visits Luke in his hometown of Gainesville, GA. Hannah’s got a sleek, upper-east coast look going on which is interesting because she’s in Georgia and I thought she may have gone for a more ‘Southern Belle’ look. STILL, she’s obviously killing it.

HANNAH JUST LETS LUKE BE A PSYCHO NOW. He’ll BLATANTLY underplay problems. He thinks that he is the end-all-be-all decider of what is & is not a problem (he can’t wrap his head around when Hannah insists something is after all, NOT fine). The example here is when he says “I know there have been a few bumps in this process” and she goes “Hmmph” and kinda scrunches her face because she’s thinking, ‘BUMPS?? U MEAN MF MOUNTAINS??’ But she won’t get into a full-blown argument because he’s worn her DOWN. He’s scary and exhausting.

Props to Hannah on the jigsaw analogy, but at the same time, Girl… there ain’t nothing to figure out with this man except that he is controlling, has MAJOR toxic masculinity problems because no one has ever made him take responsibility for his actions, and ultimately he isn’t looking out for your growth and best interest, only HIS. As the great queen of modern feminism Lizzo once said, “If he don’t love you anymore (he doesn’t, he wants to win this show!!!), Walk your fine ass out the door!’ Which we all know she will, but still, we are BARELY able to wait for that moment much longer.

Slight Aside:  Hannah’s two favs (Luke & Jed) are the two most controversial which is EXACTLY what she didn’t want going into this process. Her bottom two (Tyler & Peter) are both well-intentioned, supportive, mostly authentic men who would support her the way she is &  everything she cares about. Peter & Tyler came in with the most (seemingly) upright intentions & have been real the whole time, but here she is falling for a couple clowns!!! It’s a tough world out there, can’t say I haven’t fallen for my share of absolute ass-hats.

I would like to start the discussion about the Sunday school portion like this: I don’t care what religion you practice, how you want to practice, or what you believe, you are FULLY allowed & SHOULD do all of the above however you want. But let’s be clear; Luke is manipulating Hannah SO HARD because he KNOWS she is devout in her faith, so for him to present his faith/religion as the main characteristic about him is manipulative!!! He uses his faith to manipulate her into thinking he’s so upstanding & great, instead of being humble & actually reconciling with his past behaviors & actions, and how he will course-correct in the future.

I am always skeptical when a hometown date has a lot of people. Like obviously every person here wants to be on TV, even if they also want to support the contestant. When contestants have SMALL amounts of people (or more explicitly just their immediate family; Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, ie. anyone in your family who lives in your house), it comes off more genuine. Now when you bring the whole damn town, I’m like, who are all these people & why are they on my screen?

The (I assume) pastor type-figure tells everyone to take a seat after everyone greets Hannah and Luke, and then asks Luke, ” I think you’re going to share right?” It’s like this pre-planned church lesson where LUKEEEEEE is at the center of it instead of like IDK ANY OTHER BIBLE LESSON/GOD.

Luke at one point says “phew” in exasperation from how crazy his college experience was, and he’s SMILING ie. ‘It was fun to bang hot girls!!!’ (which I’m sure it was.)

“I was chasing sex”, Congrats Luke, you’re a human. We have innate instincts and sex/procreation is one, buddy. Especially with testosterone filled to the brim, it really does check out, pal!

After Luke shares his “struggles”,  Hannah goes up by him and it’s HORRIBLY cringe-y. He’s like, ‘I’ve learned how powerful it is to share my struggles’, alluding that he’s had this amazing transformative journey with Hannah, in which he shared his struggles throughout the entire process & it’s like WHAT ARE YOU SAYING.

Then Luke says he, ‘Thanks God for Hannah’, and gives her a LOUD audible slap on the back, and I’m just like, dayummmm dude, chill with the aggression.

BREAKING INTO SMALLER GROUPS – Anyone who went to youth group or some sort of church for children/teenagers growing up knows this is EXACTLY what happens & it just made me nostalgic.

When the guys in the small group are talking about Luke and gassing him up I truly puked and convulsed. I’m like, STOP LYING, help this beautiful, kind, authentic woman while you still can by TELLING THE TRUTH! Luke slaps one really hard, AGAIN, and I’m just like get me TF out of here, please.

Luke’s Family Portion

When Hannah and Luke walk up to Luke’s house it’s already completely dark out … hmmm, suspicious.

Okay… Luke’s Dad & Brother are named Mike (MY sweet, kind father’s name), and his SISTER IN LAW’S name is Hannah, and you just KNOW Luke’s taking that as some kind of sign, SMH.

Also, if you’ve made it this far, you know I MF hate Luke more than anything, but I LOVE his great grandma maybe more than anyone else on this season. Love is given, where love is deserved, and I won’t unrightfully hold your psychopathic grandson against you, sweet little GGma! Hannah introduces herself to GGma, “I’m Hannah,” to which GGma replies, “I know you are.”  Cue the absolute waterworks, the sweetest moment of the ‘sode.

The only good thing that has come out of Luke’s mouth this ENTIRE season was when he said his GGma, “is rocking 96.” She IS rocking 96! But that’s also just… a fact, so let’s not give him too much credit here. 

Are Luke’s parents divorced? Because his mom is sitting on the arm of a chair with a different man’s arm wrapped around her, while his dad is sitting on the other arm of the chair. No shame/judgment either way, but feels weird they didn’t explicitly tell us (like Tyler).

OKAY, BUT HANNAH HOLDING HANDS WITH LUKE’S GGMA; THAT IS TOO SWEET TO HANDLE.

Oh “ha ha ha ha”, everyone has a good laugh about how much Luke sucks !!!

Luke and his dad sit down to talk first, and right away it’s obvious where Luke got his narrow-mindedness & arrogance from. His dad talks with this same language as Luke; the language of if SHE can be good enough for him, instead of language surrounding how SHE is already amazing, and the question is if HE is good enough for HER.

For example, Luke’s Dad says, “If she can be worth it to you.” The quickest parallel in language from Luke is what he says when he first steps out of the limo. He roars at her (kinda cute & original because Hannah ‘Beast’, this is before my hatred for Luke ran deep), then greets her by saying that, ‘HE is king of the jungle, & he’s wondering if SHE can be his queen’

????????????????????????????????????????????????????

It’s like, damn dude, this is HER show. Everyone is vying for HER love. Also, she has proved to us she is strong, articulate, fun, and intelligent, & I’ve seen not one positive thing from you!!! The question is not if “she is worth it to you”, it’s if “you are worth it to her.”

“Let me just tell you this,” disgusting, horrible, classic Luke line. You can tell me NOTHING Luke, I don’t believe a single word, facial expression, or action that comes from your body. YUCK.

Luke tells his dad there’s something about the connection with him and Hannah that he can’t describe, and his dad goes, “Really?”, looks up into his head as if he’s thinking on it, then kinda does an accepting nod. It’s like YA DUDE EXACTLY, Luke doesn’t even KNOW A SINGLE THING ABOUT HANNAH MINUS JESUS, and that’s why he can’t describe it

The realest homie in this family is Luke’s brother’s wife (also named Hannah). Every time Hannah is talking, she’s being a good listener, and she acts understanding when Hannah talks about how stupid & arrogant Luke has been. She’s considering what Hannah is saying when Luke’s brother just immediately blurts out some BS about how that’s not Luke. Whereas the brother’s wife (named Hannah but that is confusing but I’m not out here trying to diminish women by not naming them!!!) is like ehhhh… yeah, that might be Luke. LOL.

When Hannah and Luke’s Dad sit down to talk, his dad tells her, “Luke’s excited that you could be the one, and what he’s humbled with is, not only could she be the one, she WANTS to be the one.” IT’S LIKE WHAAAT!!!!!! How do you know how she feels unless it comes from her mouth???!!!! Obviously, do NOT believe your arrogant, completely-lacking-self-awareness son!!! If I was Hannah I would have responded, “Well, I’m the one calling the shots here, so you can just sit down, shut up, and listen to my words, sir!”

After the family portion of unrightfully gassing up Luke & considering Hannah’s “worthiness”, Luke and Hannah move outside to a bench to talk.

ATTENTION, SOS, SOUND THE ALARMS, EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT:

LUKE SAYS HE’S SORRY FOR PUTTING HANNAH THROUGH A STRUGGLE, AND WHETHER OR NOT HE IS, HE DOESN’T TRY TO PUT BLAME ON ANYONE ELSE & IS SEEMINGLY ACCEPTING BLAME & RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS!

Truly, this is a remarkable moment. I truly do not believe Luke has given a “real” apology this entire season. By real I mean, he SEEMS at least genuine in his apology, and doesn’t use it as a mechanism to place blame on others for his words or actions.

PARTING WORDS Between Hannah and Luke

Mid-makeout Hannah says to Luke, “Don’t screw up, or I will frickin’ hurt you,” to which Luke replies, “One hundred percent” ??? Is that an answer? Also if Hannah’s parting words are literally, ‘do not mess up’, I can pretty confidently say this won’t be ‘the one’. Plus next week’s previews, but still.

Thoughts after Hometown with Luke

Luke is amazing at manipulating everyone in his life but he is truly so un-self-aware he cannot see how he is being fake. Run for your life girl, even the strongest of us fall. Once again, I am not judging My Bachelorette Hannah. I can’t say had it been me her situation, I wouldn’t have made the same decisions. Hindsight 20/20.

Part 4: Jed’s Hometown – “By the Same Token Hannah Loves Luke for His Faith, She Loves Jed for His Music”

Jed’s One-on-One Portion

Right away it is important to note, Jed’s hometown is originally listed as Knoxville, TN, and NOT Nashville. This is an important distinction because I’m thinking… um hello, what if they accidentally run into the pre-show GF?! Knoxville and Nashville are about 2 hours and 45 minutes apart so there is plenty of space to NOT run into your girlfriend.

Jed’s hometown date is the only one where Hannah wears a dress, which she doesn’t have to wear a dress to BRING IT, but she looks damn good here, like a proper ‘Southern Belle’.

Jed takes Hannah to a recording studio since he did her “pageant thing”, now he’s making her try his “music thing”. I guess this is maybe what Jed does on a day-to-day basis? Like, he probably does not go to the recording studio every day because that is expensive (I would guess he’s not swimming in cash), but maybe he probably does work on his music all day so I will accept this as part of his “hometown” ritual.

When they are in the studio Jed tells Hannah this is where he, “Lays down the heat, the smoke,” which made me laugh out loud. Not to make commentary on Jed’s musical ability, but because he is a singer-songwriter type with the acoustic guitar and tenor voice, and to ME, that would be followed with more chill analogies than “heat”, and smoke” which I associate with maybe rap or pop. IDK, it just made me laugh.

The “written in the stars” bit, where she is actually wearing stars on her dress is so sweet. Truly, that’s class A romance bay-bayyyy!!!

As stated in my self-assigned title for Jed’s hometown, Hannah mostly loves Jed because of his music because she’s sees it as him being sensual & in touch with his emotions. I do not blame her! I think that is truly the foundation of her attraction towards Jed (I like Jed outside all the GF drama), but he really does seem like an extremely average guy if you take out the music bit.

They start “recording” the song even though Hannah is BARELY singing. I can’t hear Hannah’s actual voice very much, but she’s definitely singing the right notes despite what her tone may be. She really does seem to be good at most things! Queen through and through.

When Jed tells Hannah he loves her it’s hard to watch because it really does seem so sincere! I always believe everything this show presents to me, but this especially seems so real and coming from a genuine place. How can it NOT be a true sentiment? Ugh, poor Hannah.

Jed’s Family Portion

Okay, now they are in Sevierville, TN, which is 36 more minutes outside of Knoxville, even FARTHER from Nashville.

When Jed’s dad jumps into Jed’s arms that is actually very funny. Lol.

Obviously, Jed’s hometown objectively goes the worst because of his family. HOWEVER, Jed HANDS DOWN has the best pet/dog. Tucks? Or Tux? The way that pupper jumps into Jed’s arms like a foot off the ground is so cute, logistically impressive, and just visually LOL.

After Jed and Hannah do their introductions, Jed is telling his family about their first date and how he made the basket behind his back while kissing Hannah, and his family is like… ha ha ha ha yeah…

They sit down to eat and Jed makes a sweet toast about how he is with the people he has always loved & the person he is beginning to love. So sweet right? Promptly after, Jed’s Mom’s SAVAGERY comes out. She ALSO makes a toast saying, “Here’s to everyone trusting their intuition and gut every day. When you stick to your truth it’s beneficial to everybody.” Hannah replies in genuine amazement, like, ‘wow that’s good.’ But it’s like Girl… That was the most beautifully designed coded message meant to say, ‘Let us not forget about Jed’s real GF’.

Let’s just be honest and say the absolute best part of this date is both the mom’s and sister’s absolute no-fuqs-given savagery.

Jed’s Mom’s Savage Lines

• “It is a dreamy way to get to date someone”
• “And I know Jed’s just another guy”
• “Do you say that to all of them?” (when Hannah says she told Jed she’s falling in love with him)
• “He lived his life before he met you”  (when Hannah asks about a long-term GF)
• “It doesn’t all feel realistic to me, but you’re the one living it.” (when talking to Jed)
• “I’m surprised to be honest, I am” (when Jed says he’s falling in love with Hannah)

Literally LOL. What an absolute SAVAGE. I’m here for it & absolutely loving it.

BUT THE SISTER WITH THE MOST SAVAGE LINE OF THEM ALL

Hannah asks Jed’s sister if she’s concerned about Jed simultaneously balancing a relationship with her and his music career. His sister replies, “….*long pause after the question & a smirk that says, ‘you are the dirt beneath my feet’, major Cersei vibez* Yeah… *another long pause*… I’m very protective over Jed, and making music makes him soooo happy, and, honestly, like, him potentially falling in love with you, I’m like, I’m not sure that it’s a good thing.”

ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM ZADDI PUT ME IN THE ABSOLUTE GRAVE

PARTING WORDS Between Hannah and Jed

NOW WE KNOW JED’S ACTING BECAUSE HE SAYS, “Such a beautiful day. Everything worked out.” WHOSE FAM WERE YOU WITH ALL DAY, JED, BECAUSE IT CERTAINLY MUST NOT OF BEEN YOURS!

They don’t exchange any specifically memorable words when kissing goodnight, but in Hannah’s last ITM she says, “My fear is that his music or our relationship will suffer”. Very insightful thoughts, as always, from Hannah, and you’re spot on, gal, because I don’t think dear Jed expected to like you this much!

Thoughts after Hometown with Jed

All I can say is she clearly likes Jed the MOST, while his family likes her the LEAST (of all the families). We always want what we can’t have…

(Let us not forget recent history with the Cassie/Cassie’s Fam situation on Colton’s season, & how that turned out… Spoiler: They end up together.)

Rose Ceremony – “With Whom Shall I Fuq?”

This is probably the best rose ceremony because you KNOW the person who gets fourth is going to be more heartbroken than any other contestant that has gone home on that season. AND we know next week are Fantasy Suites, which to ME, I care more about if it’s fun to be sexi with you than if your Ma likes me, TBH, so I’m going to choose veryyy wisely. Basically, after Top 3 you know things get real.

Hannah says “I am there with *name*”, and then says all four of their names, insinuating she feels equally strong with each guy. I think the order is interesting because it seems like her stream of consciousness, so it may be reflective of the actual order of how she prioritizes her relationships For the record, she says this order: Luke (1), Jed (2), Peter (3), Tyler (4).

PETER GETS THE FIRST ROSE.

Truly, throughout this whole week I thought Peter was going home. Then when this episode was airing and I was watching live for the first time, I was like, “Oh, Peter is definitely going to go home,” based on the fact that his hometown was *shown* first. They have a Franken bite over the video of scenery in Westlake Village, when Hannah says, “This is my first hometown.” Then the shot switches to Hannah in an ITM where she says, “I have a date with Peter!”, with no attachment to the previous sentence. So I would think Peter probably went last because he was closest to LA where they did the rose ceremony. The producers want you to think he is going home/had the least memorable day by putting him first.

Also, I think historically to have the first hometown seen in the episode is no bueño. I know Caelyn Miller-Keyes in Colton’s season went home after hometowns and her hometown was shown first. I’d be interested to see other historical precedents from varying seasons in predicting who will go home after Top 4.

When Peter got the first rose I absolutely yelled “OHHHHHHHH,” because it meant that anyone else besides Peter was going home.

But then Tyler’s name is called SECOND and I yelled even LOUDER. If not Peter, in my mind, it was definitely going to be Tyler going home.

Now it’s going to be Jed or Luke??? This makes no sense since they are the two frontrunners. Chris Harrison comes out and says a line he’s maybe said a hundred million times; *sigh*, “Hannah, Gentlemen, this is the final rose tonight.” Now we see her pausing, looking confused. What will she do?

As SOON as Hannah leaves the room with the rose, I’m like “YUP, all four of them are going to stay,” because she wants to boing them all.

Which, by the way, is her RIGHT AND PRIVILEGE ‘if she should so choose’ (the words that are always on the fantasy suite card, love the consistency in this show) as The Bachelorette, and none of you have any permission to say what you think about it either way! That’s that!

Surprise, Luke & Jed both stay. This means all four of them will go on to the fantasy suites.

The rest of this episode doesn’t really matter including the previews for next week because it’s everything we’ve already seen. But I will say when Jed says it was shitty to be in the same bucket as Luke I’m like… Buddy, I like you, but you do NOT really have a beautiful track record either! If anyone’s going to be in that bucket with Luke, it’s going to be you! HOWEVER, obviously Luke is a deranged psychopath, and Jed is still capable of being mature & taking accountability & being well-liked among the guys in the house, so I won’t say they are really on the same level.

Finally, it looks like Luke will be going home next week. The last promo we have seen with him and Hannah being intimate (not her being like, ‘Go home right now, you nasty ass’) is the shot where they are making out with the beautiful Santorini background in Greece.

This, along with the context of next week’s Fantasy Suites/sex discussions in mind, leads me to believe Luke’s time has nearly come to an end. Once the whole Luke drama blows up we’ll still have three guys left, so I’m excited to see how it all will go down from there.

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, (I am unspoiled meaning I do not know at ALL who will win), I think Jed is going to win (proven below by producing the biggest smile from Hannah all ‘sode),

Tylers going home next week, and Peter gets his heart broken after proposing. Again though, I could see maybe Peter going home next week (after Luke), but him & Hannah are going to have amazing sex, and it’s going to be hard to say goodbye to him after that. We will see.

Thank you for reading this far-too-in-depth & too-long analysis of The Bachelorette hometown episode. We can’t help what we love, we can only accept ourselves for who we are.